Choices

Life is a series of choices. Each one made leads us to the next. Time decides whether it was a good one or a bad one. Each one is a yes to something and a no to something else. Each is a portal to a future and a door shut to a past. I am finding myself at a juncture…a moment of uncertainty and decision. A moment in which indecision feels as painful as deciding, I’m tired but cannot sleep. I’m aware of the many things I said no to so that I could say yes to this…all of what exists in my present life now. I am aware of the clutter…the things that take up space because I haven’t yet let go..by choice or by force of circumstance. I’m aware that I didn’t consciously choose for Cancer to come knocking…and equally aware that when she did, I opened the door to welcome her in as I had done to chronic pain for many years prior. I’m aware that my mind would like for life to feel easier while my being somehow continues to seek ‘hard’. I crave growth to what feels like a fault. Part of me wants to know when I get to be done. Another part knows that only the grave marks the finish line…and even that is simply a portal to another certain end and beginning. I pray to keep my eyes open wide to the value of choices past that brought me to the equally valuable choices in the present. I pray to follow my heart in my choosing and trust as sure as my heart beats red. I pray to be a vessel that empties out in service of others and refills in service of the One who gives and gives so that I may receive and give again in return. I pray that my girls get more than my crumbs. I pray that my mind and heart can learn to function as one. Always. And right now, I pray to surrender to sleep and that tomorrow comes as sure as yesterday left. I pray to choose well in the day to come and to accept and embrace the good that has come from all the choices of days gone by.